Go Back to What You Know

“Go back to what you know, go back to where you know your hearts is,… Just be honest”

These lyrics from Ne-Yo’s song, Back to What You Know, have nothing to do with our dreams and aspirations but we are repurposing them for now. So, let me give you a lot of back story.

I always enjoyed (voluntarily) reading, writing, quiet, playing, singing, rapping, dancing, being outside, being an amateur beautician, putting things together, volunteering, animals, and music. In third grade, I remember making a script for my group in art class and getting them to perform it with our shadow puppets. It filled me with so much joy.

As I got older, the pressure of “What do you want to be when you grow up?” weighed heavy on me. It thoroughly bothers me that people expect children to know this and stick to it so early in life but anyways, I thought of the doctors, lawyers, firefighters, nurses, teachers, counselors, veterinarians, police officers, etc. that presented on career day and decided, I was going to be a lawyer or doctor.

People were so proud of me wanting to be someone “prestigious”. Ten-year-old me soaked up that admiration and figured “Why not, because I can be whatever I want to be” right? Wrong! I was wrong because I could not be what I could not see.

I could not be what I could not see.

-kimwilliams

I didn’t know that I was truly a budding writer, director, artist, beautician, and author. I spent hours of my leisure writing songs, poems, short stories, journaling, reading, listening to music, and daydreaming.

Over 15 years worth of journaling and writing. I labeled some ideas that I can still use for future blogs, post, videos, etc.

How I sung in the church choir for years, auditioned and made it into the Henrico County All County Chorus in fifth grade, tried theater in middle school, got paid for doing hair, danced and stepped for a short time, and wrote a book that I shared, via jump drives, with my friends in 10th grade, was not taken into my consideration.

That’s who I was and who I am but it wasn’t presented to me as an option for my life. Nobody told me that those things that came naturally to me were talents and gifts that I could make a living off of. Nobody told me that I couldn’t either, I just wasn’t exposed to that lifestyle. Therefore, they were just hobbies and past times to me.

Those things that came naturally to me were talents and gifts that I could make a living off of.

kim williams

Furthermore, I became a people pleaser and my own self-doubt and insecurities crept in. I did not really like nor do well in English class when it came to figurative language, grammar, and spelling. Plus, Shakespeare was just blah to me so it didn’t make sense that I should be a writer. I didn’t think of how I could have my own voice and style. I was also bullied, teased, and having trouble at home so I decided that the less attention I drew to myself, the better.

Overtime, that meant keeping my thoughts, feelings, nontraditional dreams, and opinions to myself. I stayed in my books and “out of the way”. I got my degree but not the promises I was sold on it providing. On the other hand, I had some wonderful college experiences, friendships, and at least some folks were proud and happy for me.

How about that? I wasn’t being true to myself for fear of disappointing or being rejected by others and that still ended up happening. Like, I was accused of being distant and not having time for folks when I was in college but then, when I came around, I was accused of being a know it all or acting like I was “too good for them”.

Dang it if you do and dang it if you don’t! People are always going to have something negative to say. We can’t please everyone so I stopped trying, slowly but surely. I had to get over some people saying, “you’ve changed” or “I don’t know what’s gotten into you”. I finally had a revelation that since I couldn’t please everyone, I could at least be pleased with myself and find my purpose.

I could start over.

kim williams

I also had to convince myself that even though I spent years pursuing this degree, and came out of college with all of this debt, that I could change my my mind. I could start over. That was easier said then done though because my mind changed but my actions didn’t.

I was still bothered by what others thought. It seemed like my not doing what others thought I should be doing meant that I did not know what I wanted to do. I was called “a lost ball in high weeds” and “indecisive”. In reality, I just knew they wouldn’t understand and I didn’t want my true desires to be subject to criticism and scrutiny.

Another factor was how broke I was. I spent a lot of time operating in survival mode which was not giving me the peace of mind to be creative or even think of anything outside of paying bills, eating, and sleeping. Thankfully, I had the skills and heads to beautify whenever I needed the extra money. Then, things shifted a little, as I always attended church but was never really plugged in.

My church decided to have a spoken word event, which I didn’t know was a thing for Christians, so I pushed myself to audition and ended up sharing one of my poems for the first time (outside of school assignments) and it was uncomfortable but liberating. Family and friends showed up that had no idea that this was something I was interested in, and what a way to let them know!

It became months after that show, and church members spoke to me that remembered me for it and what my poem meant to them. Mind you, this was what I thought was one of my mediocre poems which made it safe to share because it wasn’t too emotional and deep like most of what I have.

Fast forward to now, I moved to Maryland in April 2017 to be a caregiver which provided me an ample amount of free time since I was no longer struggling and having to work multiple jobs. I didn’t know what to do with it. I quickly got a church home then spent one year (2017-2018) earning my masters degree as I bridge to my still wanting to become a doctor.

After that, I had free time again, so I started this blog, an instagram blog, joined a small group, made new friends, processed all that I had been through in the last few years, and did some soul searching. I remembered that I had a book to right but not yet. I felt urged to volunteer for church but couldn’t find anything that didn’t interfere with my other obligations so I prayed on it.

Then I heard the church announcements in November or December 2018, that the children’s church production team was looking for editors, script writers, and a few other things. My Spirit told me right then and there that I should fill out the interest form. So I did, got interviewed later on, had my background check, and there I was, a scriptwriter, with no professional experience but the ability and desire. Wow!

I enjoyed my first time (out of two for now) on “set” seeing the “lights, camera, action”, hearing the host and puppet saying things that I had wrote for hundreds of children to be entertained and educated about God. Someone even told me that what I had written was great and inquire about how long I had been a scriptwriter. What?

After I while, I joined a second creative ministry that was just started to focus on creating commercials, planning events, and content geared towards families and adults. We had to present something whether it was a project we worked on, some set we built, a song to sing, whatever. I decided to share “Ain’t No Sunshine” and the room was filled with emotions, many tears. The main feedback was for me to slow down when I speak because those words were powerful, knowing when to pause, feeling out the audience, etc.

I started learning more about professionally formatting scripts and other skills that go along with creating amazing stories. Even though that ministry has taken a break (due to the pandemic) I was truly where I belonged amongst other creatives. I got back to who I was and what I knew, on steroids.

I got back to who I was and what I knew, on steroids.

-kim williams

I didn’t mention that I also started a upselling/reselling business in June 2019, so getting inventory for that, posting, shipping, etc. took up a lot of my time, outside of caregiving. Then due to a car accident and later on, the coronavirus pandemic, I ended up with lots of free time again.

I started making tiktoks, decided to make a Youtube channel named Kimidty as a way to make various videos from serious to silly, got back to posting on Instagram @Kimidty , started writing comics for the children’s ministry, walking outside more, and just finally being totally honest about who I am and what I want out of life.

How was I dishonest? I was dishonest because I misrepresented myself by not letting people experience the true me and allowing them the chance to accept or reject it.

This is what I imagine everything that takes me away from my truth singing,: “if that’s really what you want, I will not stand in your way, you wanna be free, I will let you be, I’d rather you be happy, than miserable with me, back to what you know”. Yup, because we broke up!

Now let’s talk about you!

Now let’s talk about you! The you that existed before the world told you no, before life came at you fast, before you doubted yourself, before you let past mistakes determine your future, before someone else told you who to be, before survival mode kicked in, before you were let down, rejected, stuck in a box, misunderstood, misguided, and misused. I dare you to dust yourself off and try again.

Go back to what you know you were put on earth to be.

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